Figured it out. And don’t want to be that guy that leaves ya hanging…
First all, to enable sentry.io logging as part of the Android logcat, you need to include the slf4j-android projected INSTEAD of the slf4j-nop (which is /dev/null logging) in your build.gradle. For production, you’ll probably want to switch back to slf4j-nop since you normally don’t want that level of logging.
From there, it was just a few minutes before I was able to find that sentry was blowing up on the HTTPS connection. I was using a self-signed cert for my API calls but was doing it slightly wrong (setDefaultSSLSocketFactory is a no-no), causing HTTPS to break downstream and causing sentry to fail.
Fixed, and happily (?) receiving crashes once again.